last night i brought up england and maybe staying there, talking a bunch of smack like always, but it got matt down and i felt bad for that. i don't know how to tell him, "what i'm saying is, let's run away together".

we "fought" (?) over Closer last night. he went out to make a point that he wasn't arguing, but it was a funny situation, one i think we hadn't encountered before. same with the Tara Reid incident a while ago, maybe monday night? i don't remember when. but i got down, acted funny, he felt really bad...i felt bad.
any way you cut it, all signs point to him being...amazing. really.

when i look at it i wonder how the hell he could like me. in comparison with his sweet, kind, non-pushy family, i must be so obscene. talk too much, too mean, too overbearing...
(and he's the one worried....)

we're going to berkeley today, he re-arranged his whole schedule (lots of phone calls and such) to be able to go, after he told someone he'd cover for them and forgot we were going. i really wouldnt have even been mad. he is...the sweetest. see?

i'm going to miss him crazily, and i hope i remember this damn well: that i don't think i could ever find someone as good as him. (he sometimes doesn't talk much, like in bed or about relational things, but that doesn't keep him from being the kindest person. plus we can deal with the other ones, and work on them. really---> not rationalizing, see (not sarcastic!))

ps. Joe was brought out of his cage last night and it drove me CRAZY! he talks to his little bird! it's so fucking adorable! it broke my heart into about a million pieces and totally makes me think that i mustve gotten a big crush on Dickon in the Secret Garden, with all his animals, because i definitley dig Matt and his menagerie of animals and his affection towards them.